I remember you saying:
I’m scared I’ll wake up, and receive the text.
That you’re gone, you lost the fight,
You’re not alive anymore.
And I hate what I’m doing, to myself and to you.
It hurts me, it pains me, to do this to you.
The hospitals think I’m getting better, and at times I feel like I am.
Maybe recovery isnt such a far away thing.
I don’t mean to do this you, it’s like my brain hates me.
I wish I could stop.
I wish I could stop what I’m doing to you.
Talking, to fill the silences
The silences, that I once could go,
Without trying to fill,
Without being afraid,
That by not filling the silences,
He’d give me a reason to be quiet.
I’m quiet, He said.
I’m typing too much on my phone.
Trying to hide something,
Apparently.
I must be cheating.
Why wasn’t I giving him,
My attention?
Wording it now, I realise it was dumb.
The silences, I want to learn,
To let them exist,
To let them show,
That it was his problem, not mine,
The silences I want to let happen,
Again.
And I’m learning, I’m slowly learning,
That fear doesn’t need to be there.
I can be quiet,
I won’t be bruised,
Just because I’m silent,
It doesn’t mean I’m hiding something.
That I must secretly hate those around me.
That something is wrong.
Sitting on my laptop,
Around my friends, my girlfriend, my family,
I can be calm, doing my own thing,
I’m not talking so much,
At least not out of nerves.
Just content,
Breathing in the same air,
Sharing the same space,
As the people I love.
Smiling, that’s all I can do,
Its all I can do, when I see you.
I don’t know what it is, what I feel,
Whatever it is, I know it’s real,
I have so many butterflies, it’s a hard feeling to explain.
It’s just a really nice feeling, simple and plain.
We’re apart right now, and that’s okay,
Because soon enough will come the day,
Where I see you again, and you know what I’ll do?
I’ll smile, because I have seen you.
You’re not a bad person for ensuring you don’t,
have a panic, you think they’ll hate you, but they won’t.
They understand, they do, you did the right thing,
To leave before it got bad, so please stop worrying.
You’ve come so far, focus on that, not what youve got to go,
I’m so proud, just watching your confidence grow,
So today wasn’t easy, but it doesnt mean you’re weak,
You’re strong for knowing what was best, having the courage to speak.
You left, that’s fine, tomorrow is another day.
Youre going to have fun, after rest, and nobody’s going to say,
“Her? Won’t she just go again? Ruin our fun?”
No, instead you’ll have fun, enjoying the sun.
Lucky Bracelets
I wear four bracelets on my wrists,
brilliantly bright colours.
They assure me of who I am, what I represent,
the person I never used to be able to be.
They symbolise my journey, my strength and courage.
It took a while, but I did it.
Being gay, I never used to accept it,
I used to feel so isolated and unsure.
Couldn’t I at least have been Bi, to make my life easier?
I could be with men, live a “Normal” life, then I’d fit in.
It wasn’t me, It never felt right, I had to gain strength.
I’ve accepted it now, I’m happy to be,
“Queer as Fuck,” as my bracelets would say.
I’m no longer afraid.
Sometimes I’m a prisoner of my body,
But other times I’m strong.
Some days I can’t move from my bed, aching all over.
Other days I can walk for miles, dance for hours, feel happy and have fun.
Chronic pain doesn’t define me, though for a long time it did.
It hurts right now but I know I’ll feel better soon.
I can envision the long walk I’ll go on tomorrow, the fun I’ll get up to, the friends I’ll see.
I imagine them smiling and I am doing the same.
If that pain doesn’t leave I won’t hate myself, I won’t be sad. Tomorrow is another day and so is the next.
Instead I’ll have my own kind of fun, I’ll write, maybe draw. I’ll probably use social media more than I should but that’s okay.
Then I’ll imagine that same image with my friends and eventually it won’t just be an image in my head.
It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to not be okay.
It’s okay to not know, if you’ll cope that day.
You’re strong just by being here, just doing what you can.
Even if you’re mental illness tells you, that life’s not your biggest fan.
We’re all in this together, helping eachother out.
Or we like to recover alone, that’s what self care is all about.
You’ll never be judged for what you’re mind can make you do.
It’s an evil voice in your head, we know it’s not really you.
We won’t be annoyed by you, or abandon you or hate you in anyway.
Even if intrusive thoughts tell you we won’t stay.
You don’t need to hide from us, if you want to confide in us today.
Just remember; never forget. It’s okay to not be okay.
Genevieve B 